On July 8, my legs went numb. Since then, I’ve had intermittent numbness, nerve pain, plenty of achiness, muscle weakness, and incredible fatigue. Many, many doctor’s appointments later, there are still no concrete answers aside from I need to be watched for MS. It’s been a difficult adjustment. It’s been a blow to my pride as I have worked hard to build the strength of my body. It’s been humbling in admitting my weakness and in how much help I’ve needed. It’s been frightening waiting for answers and waiting to see if I have another neurological episode. It’s been a period of trial and error to see what will and will not set off the numbness, the nerve pain, and the achiness. It’s been a lot of “but God”...but God, I had all these plans for my future. But God, I’m not strong enough to get through this trial. But God, I need to be healthy. But God, this is making me so anxious. But God, I feel broken. But God, I don’t want to follow You through this trial. But God, my dad isn’t here to help me handle this. But God...why?
I was advised last month to start studying Psalm 22. And it’s been one of the best pieces of advice I could have been given. If you’re currently facing a difficult trial, go read this Psalm. Now I’m sure I haven’t grasped all that can be learned from this Psalm, but the biggest thing that jumped out to me and that I’ve been meditating on is the back and forth pattern seen in it. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me...Yet You are holy.” “All who see me mock me...Yet You are He who took me from the womb.” “Many bulls encompass me...my strength is dried up...But You, O LORD, do not be far off. O You my help, come quickly to my aid.”
I’m learning that I need to be like the Psalmist. I don’t have to bury my feelings. I don’t have to refrain from telling my Heavenly Father how I feel. BUT. I do need to shift my focus as I do that.
I had all these plans for my future. But God, You are sovereign (Ephesians 1:11). I’m not strong enough to get through this trial. But God, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). I need to be healthy. But God, You are faithful in all situations (2 Timothy 2:13). This is making me so anxious. But God, You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I feel broken. But God, You are the Father of mercies and God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 4:3). I don’t want to follow You through this trial. But God, You are my refuge and a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:10). My dad isn’t here to help me through this. But God, You have promised to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). Why? But God, Your ways are higher than my ways and Your thoughts higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).
But God...is holy, faithful, loving, sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful and so much more. This trial is hard...but God.
Brothers and sisters in Christ, if you are facing a trial right now, don’t neglect to remember who God is and all of His promises. Don’t forget to remind yourself each time you feel lost and discouraged, “but God”.
